7) Чужбината

7) Чужбината

И така, най-после документите бяха готови, билета купен и аз бях измамно готова, да се хвърля в неизвестното.
Няма да крия, наистина таях надеждата, че отивайки там, сменяйки напълно обстановката, живота ми ще се завърне такъв, какъвто го помнех.
Сега, доста години след това, за пореден път се убеждавам, че няма случайни неща.
Само изглеждат така.
До тогава се бях наслушала за това, колко е хубаво в чужбина, какви перспективи има там, как хубаво си живеят хората и какво ли не още, но в тоя стил.
Повечето хора умираха да кажат, че дето им учи в чужбина и общо взето целокупния български народ, общо казано, лижеше задниците на чужденците, начело с политиците разбира се, което май остава непроменено за вторите.
Уточнявам, че говорим за времето,когато Интернет не беше още това, което е сега, изобщо за времето, когато навлизаха доста неща, които днес вече са ежедневие, дори за децата.

Както казах, имах възможността, да си позволя някои неща, които може би са били лукс за някои хора тогава, като самолетен билет например.
И така, заветният ден дойде,бях впрегнала всичките си сили и крачех смело, давайки си вид, колко много искам да замина, убеждавайки най-вече себе си.
Всъщност ме беше страх и болката от раздялата с Него, направо режеше.
Повтарях си единствено,че скоро и Той ще дойде и всичко ще е наред.
Иначе щях да ревна с глас,а нямах право.
Виждах гордостта и щастието в очите на родителите си, те наистина се гордееха с мен и аз отново бях Някой.
Има едно неписано правило при паническите атаки, поне при мен беше.
Ако успея да си отвлека вниманието, с нещо друго, което да ме погълне,те някак намаляват.
Обикновено “другото”, е пак някакъв проблем и то сериозен.
Малко прилича на това, да те ударят по главата,че да забравиш за порязания си пръст.
Става, за кратко и после те връхлитат две болки.
Държавата е Германия, градът е Kьолн.
Самолетът се спуска низко, толкова низко, че успявам да видя реката Рейн, цялата е в светлини, има мостове и е наистина красиво.
За миг забравям страховете си и се любувам искрено..
В сърцето ми се поражда надеждата, че всичко лошо е зад мен.
Бутам количката с багажа и се оглеждам да видя хората от снимката, които трябва да ме чакат.
Ще живея у тях и там ще работя в домакинството през деня, а вечер ще ходя на курс, да донауча езика, за да мога да кандидатствам в техен Университет.
Такива са правилата и плановете ми.
На ден имам 6 часа работав събота до обяд ,неделя почивка.
Приемат ме като член на семейството,за да мога в тази среда, да упражнявам и езикаи да попивам културата им.
Така пише в договора, у мен е.
Почти не знам езика и разбирам повече отколкото говоря, но ми обясниха,че това не е важно, точно затова отивам, да го науча на място, правилно.
И да се обогатя духовно.
Какъв ми е проблема,нали? По-хубаво от това, здраве само.
Изведнъж отнякъде се стрелка едро, тромаво момиче.
Застава пред количката ми, носи лист с моето име.
Изглежда ми позната, май е едната дъщеря в семейството.
Говори ми нещо на немски,бързо и припряно.
Аз се усмихвам, опитвам се да обясня на английски, че немският ми е слаб. Май се разбрахме.
През това време, до мен застават родителите и.
Грабват ми багажа и ми казват да вървя с тях, ще ме закарат до къщата на бабата, където ще живея.
Аз съм по-къс ръкав, в България беше доста топло, но тук направо ми тракат зъбите и навън вали.
Тъмно е, уморена съм и страшно нервна, но се усмихвам. Забелязвам, че всички ме гледат, все едно съм предмет от музея, те буквално ме разглеждат, без да се церемонят и ме обсъждат по между си, както схващам от няколко думи.
Доста ми е неудобно, но мълча и гледам през прозореца, жадна за първи впечатления.
Имам странното усещане, че съм леко разочарована.
Някак не виждам неистова разлика тук и в България.
Нищо специално, което да ме накара да ахна, но в тази тъмница и от колата вероятно не съм права.
Тъй-като съм надъхана с приказки за чужбината, очаквам да видя кой знае какво, но това не се случва.
Просто улици, магазини и това е за сега.
Колата свива и излиза  на някакъв страничен път, струва ми се, че излизаме от града.
Леко започвам да се тревожа, защо пък извън града?
Става съвсем тъмно, има само път.
По някое време, започват къщи от двете страни, доста големи, но отдалечени.
Спираме пред една. На един етаж е, на пръв поглед.
Посочват ми да вляза вътре и носят сака ми.
Влизаме, абсолютна тишина, като в мавзолей.
Помня, че точно думата мавзолей, изникна в ума ми.
Преминаваме през огромна кухня и слизаме по стълби, към подземен етаж.
Нещо ме е стиснало за гърлото здраво и започва да ме обхваща ужас. Тази тишина, тези стълби към подземен етаж.
Тръгваме по безкраен сумрачен коридор, с много врати.
Eдна е отворена, това ще е моята стая.
Стоварват ми багажа, казва ми се да лягам да почивам, до стаята е банята.
Стопанката на къщата спяла, утре съм щяла да се запозная с нея, ми казва дъщерята и ми пожелава “лека нощ”.
Заедно с мъжа си и момичето, явно си тръгват.
Ужасът вече буквално ме е стиснал за гърлото. Тук ли ще ме оставят?! В тази подземна стая в тоя ужасно дълъг, празен и страшен коридор?В тая пуста къща?! Сядам на леглото, и се оглеждам.
Има прозорец, той е високо горе, точно като килия, но не виждам нищо през него.
Скачам и отивам близо, има капак и не влиза грам въздух или светлинка.
Усещам познатите признаци на задушаване и треперене.
Аз, която обожавах въздуха, слънцето и небето.
Която,дори и през зимата, винаги спях на отворен прозорец за да дишам свободно, се намирах под земята в нещо подобно на гробница, в полусумрачен и зловещ коридор в стая с прозорци на килия,затворени с капаци отвън!!
Изскочих от стаята и хукнах по коридора, цялата се тресях от страх.
Надявах се на горния етаж да намеря прозорец,през който да видя малко небе, светлинка.Изобщо нещо.
Не мога да опиша кошмара си, когато установих,че същите капаци отвън, са и по прозорците на кухнята и на стаята до нея..
По натам не посмях да пристъпя в къщата.
Беше абсолютно тихо,тъмно и откровено зловещо.
Отново се върнах по стълбите, не аз се влачех и плачех.
Седнах на леглото в моята килия, гледах багажа на земята и имах безумното желание да се махна на секундата от тук, усещах, че нещо не е наред.
Не това си бях представяла и не това ми бяха казали, че ще заваря.
Паниката ме обзе с пълна сила, въздух не ми стигаше.
Чувствах се толкова нещастна, сама, изоставена и уплашена, беше ми крайно зле.
Нямах GSM тогава, сега дори и децата имат, не можех да се обадя на никой, да чуя познат глас, да чуя изобщо жив глас.
Имах усещането, че полудявам и то съвсем реално.
У мен се бореха ужаса и страха с чувството на вина.
Не можех да погледна родителите си и да ги разочаровам връщайки се,не можех да отстъпя, аз съм силна, нали така?-надъхвах се сама.
Нямам право на повече грешки, сили нямах да си представя обвиненията,които щяха да последват, а и как да се върна, като в България ме чакаха само страхове и прекъснато следване?
Бях се наслушала на какви ли не легенди как и колко му било тежко на този или онзи в чужбина, ма как се борил,ма как успял.
Пак ли аз ще съм неудачницата?!
Не, ако трябва и да пукна тук!
Изправих се, едвам стоях на краката си от умора, от поредната криза за която отново се обвиних и реших,че сама съм я предизвикала с моя страх и малодушие.
Отворих сака и започнах да вадя дрехи и да ги редя в гардероба.
Накрая успях да си взема дори душ,убеждавайки себе си,че всичко е наред и не ме е страх, макар буквално да треперех.
Почти сутринта,се строполих на леглото,чудейки се какво ли ме чака още.
Задрямала съм в поредния полусън, но бях навила едно малко будилниче, което носех и през няколко минути се стрясках,  поглеждайки го.
Бях решила да се справя с всичко, няма да се дам.
Иззвъня в седем сутринта.
Скочих, като ужилена.
Адски ми се спеше, но напрежението и страха отново започваха да пълзят по вените ми, сърцето ми пулсираше в гърлото, а краката и ръцете ми, бяха като изтръпнали. Обаче, аз не само се изкъпах пак, но и се облякох и нагласих.
Все пак, ще се запознавам с жената, за която ще работя, с която ще живея следващата година и ще бъда част от семейството и.
Щяхме да се храним заедно, да си говорим.
Така пишеше в договора, повтарях си го, като мантра.
Седнах облечена на леглото, но ми ставаше все по-топло и по-топло. Започнаха да ме обливат вълни и да ми се гади, имах спешна нужда от въздух.
Никога до тогава в моя живот, не съм затваряна така в буквален смисъл, кризата се усилваше и аз поддавайки се на инстинкта си, скочих и отворих прозореца с надежда да влезе малко въздух през капаците.
В момента в който дръпнах дръжката и прозореца се отвори,се разнесе най-оглушителния и проточен вой на света, някаква сирена,придружена с дрънчене на звънец,което не само не спираше,а се усилваше и усилваше.
Трябва да кажа,че в този момент, исках да умра там и на място,блъснах прозореца обратно, но сирената продължи.
Вълните на притеснение и паника ме заливаха с бясна скорост, аз не можех да дишам в буквален смисъл, идея нямах какво става, само смътно се досещах в пламналият си мозък,че това е аларма,която аз съм включила, отваряйки прозореца.
Усещах как пламтят страните ми и струйки студена пот се стичаха по гърба, по челото, над устната ми.
Толкова бях ужасена,че стоях права, притиснала с ръце сърцето си и се молех земята да ме погълне.
Този вой продължи ужасно дълго.
В един момент рязко спря, чух някъде много отдалеч немска реч и в един миг ясно и отчетливо със силен акцент, женски глас извика името ми.
Поех си дъх и с най-омекналите крака на света се отправих по коридора, като спрях в подножието на дългото,стръмно стълбище.
На горния край седеше крайно стара жена, но явно запазена, дори консервирана, визирайки годините и..
Имаше останали черти на голяма красавица и най-студените сини очи, които бях виждала.
Тя буквално ги беше присвила и повтаряйки името ми отново, ми махна с ръка да се кача.
Винаги, когато не съм слушала интуицията си, съм бъркала.
Тогава тя буквално ми крещеше да се махна оттам, но аз си повторих омразните думи “стегни се” и нагласяйки усмивка на лицето, се закатерих нагоре.
Следва продължение..

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