Назад, към себе си..

Назад, към себе си..

Казвам се Петя.
Нещата в живота ми се стекоха така, че имам професия, която ме рад-ва и ми дава възможност да се уча непрестанно.

Психолог съм. Преминала съм през много тежки периоди в досегашното си битие и си мисля, че съм жив пример,
как човек може аха, да се затрие сам
от самообвинения, чувство за вина и срам.
Например срамът- срам да те има такъв, какъвто си,
да бъдеш себе си, слаб, плачещ, несресан, болен, гол..
За голотата, там е “друга бира”, за нея следващ път..
Защото всичко изброено, още е срамно, тайно и прикрито,
така добре
зaмитано и похлупвано..
Битува и царува :”Какво ще кажат хората, този, онзи, лелята от третия
етаж, братовчедите..” и други “важни” за социално приемливото ни
поведение хора.
Та, мислейки си по темата и всекидневно попадайки на подобни
примери, се заприсещах, колко доволно много поводи за “срам” съм
имала аз, особено в периода ми с панически атаки.
А той беше разточително дълъг, едни има-няма 11 години се навъртяха, което автоматично предполага
много срамове, от всякакъв вид и естество.
Фор екзампъл, вкарвам малко чуждици, хем за чуждоезиково говоря-щите, хем за за европейски привкус, та фор екзампъл, голям срам се
срамувах навремето, когато треперех толкова, че не можех да контролирам тялото и крайниците си, а как само се срамувах, да не припадна, да не се изложа, каквото и да означава това. Чувството на деперсонализация, демек вън от тялото ми и
уплашеното и неадекватно мое поведение по време и след това, беше направо безценно, като материал за срамуване.
Голям срам!
Пустите срамове случваха себе си, все сред хора..
Никак не подбираха подходящите моменти..
А как можех да обясня странното си и нелепо поведение,
при това така, че да не ме сочат с пръст, след това?
Ами не можех..
Толкова усилия съм положила във времето да бягам от себе си, че спо-койно мога да претендирам за медал, че и купа барабар.
Питам се защо и кому е било нужно това?
Чудя се, какво срамно щеше да има, да застана и ясно и кратко
да заявя :” Не ми е добре, имам пристъп на паника!”. Tолкоз!
Да седна и просто да дишам.
Задавам си въпроса, кое по-добре би съхранило достойнството ми,
дали казването на истината или вечното и прикриванe,
за което плащах безумна цена от сълзи, обвинения и самокритика дo безкрай?
И така питайки се, започнах да заставам зад себе си, защото всичко
това също съм аз – плачеща, трепереща, гневна и слаба,паднала дори.
И не защото вече не се срамувам, не, не си го давам и това усещане, мое си е,
а защото спрях да се страхувам, да го покажа..
И продължавам да се уча!
Аз комай с това започнах :”..имам професия, която ми дава
възможност, да се уча непрестанно..”
И съм просто..Човек..
P.S. За статистиката: думата срам се повтаря, около 13 пъти, накрая и аз загубих бройката..

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