6) От трън, та на глог

6) От трън, та на глог

…Кой да ми каже, че поговорката “от трън, та на глог”, важи изцяло в моя случай?
Или може би е трябвало да се случи всичко онова и сама да стигна до хиляди прозрения? Не знам.
Не ми отива позицията на многознайкото ,макар да се чувствам почти експерт по темата.Вече.
Тогава нещата вървяха много на зле.
Всекидневните дребни бягства и лъжи ме уморяваха до смърт. Опитите да изглеждам, все едно нищо няма и всичко е наред,буквално ми пиеха силите.
Системното недоспиване, вечният страх от това “да не ми стане лошо”, ме държаха под един непрекъснат стрес.
Дори артистите имат поне антракт, аз не.
А бях само едно обикновено момиче, неприлично младо момиче, изплашено до смърт.

В началото наистина си мислех, че всичко това ще отшуми, чаках и стисках зъби.
За съжаление, останах си с надеждата.
Всяко излизане от къщи ми струваше неистово усилие.
Ставах нервна и раздразнителна.
Общо взето, май така се държах през цялото време.
Все си намирах някакви “основателни” причини, за вечно недовършените ми работи.
Някак всичко започна да става наполовина.
Срещите ми с приятели направо ме изсмукваха.
Улавях се,че непрекъснато ги наблюдавам, хората около мен.
И се чудех, какво ми има?!
Защо се случва това с мен?
И този въпрос не напускаше мозъка ми. Защо това се случва точно на мен? Къде сгреших? Какво направих?
Ако бях хазартен тип, бих могла да се обзаложа, че точно тези въпроси са се въртели и продължават, из мислите на повечето от нас, хората с паническо разстройство.
И бих спечелила.Тъжна печалба, не я искам.
Спомням си с какво нежелание се оправях за излизане.
Разстоянието от нас, до спирката е около пет минути пеша. Обикновено там започнах да уговарям срещите си с Него.
Той нямаше кола и аз се изхитрих, да го карам да идвам до спирката и да ме чака там.
На всеки е познат този момент, още всичко е цветя и сърца, пеперуди в стомаха.
Готов си за любимия и пустиня да пребродиш, та не ми бе трудно да покапризнича, чисто по женски, да ме взима от там, уж между другото.
Спомням си как събирах всичките си сили и тръгвах.
Вървях някак на прибежки и винаги гледах в земята, странно.
Имах усещането, че нещо все ме дърпа назад и всеки момент ще падна, затова умишлено се накланях напред.
Краката ми бяха абсолютно гумени и чужди.
Сърцебиенето и изпотяването ме връхлитаха още на прага, гледката на пространството през което, трябваше да мина, ме оставяше наистина само по очи.
Тялото ми изчезваше, нямаше ме.
А в същото време мозъка ми работеше с абсолютно ясното съзнание,че аз съм тук и съществувам..
И тогава страхът и паниката взимаха връх.
Ударите на сърцето ми в гърлото и позивите за повръщане, студената пот, пълното отдръпване на кръвта от лицето ми.
И това треперене. Не аз направо се тресях.
Всичко това ме връхлиташе за секунди.
Не знам колко продължаваше, за мен бе безкрайно.
И тези “чувства”, се повтаряха по няколко пъти в разстояние на минути.
Говоря за прехода от петте минути.
Обикновено спирах и се правех,че си ровя в чантата, имах зверска нужда да се подпра на нещо и бях сигурна,че всички хора ме гледат.
Срамът и неудобството, което изпитвах, засилваха паниката до краен предел.
Когато, най-после успявах да стигна до Него, аз буквално приличах на парцал.Смачкан и изстискан.
И…като всеки виновен и гузен човек,без някой и да ме пита, започвах да се обяснявам, колко ми е лошо, ма цял ден съм така, ма главата.
Ма цикъла.
Като се замисля, аз явно съм била във вечен цикъл или предменструален синдром, според собствените си обяснения.
Питам се, как ли щях да се чувствам тогава, ако знаех какво става с мен?
Ако имах обяснение, какво точно става с тялото ми и в мозъка ми?
Ако имах и най-бегла представа, какво е това чудо?
Много пъти съм мислила по въпроса.
И съм абсолютно сигурна, че една не малка част от ужаса, би могъл да се избегне.
Най-малко страхът,че умирам или полудявам.
Или, че вече не съм в ред, както често си мислех.
И чувството за вина.
Именно това чувство, че аз сама съм си виновна, че сама го предизвиквам, че вината е у мен и никой друг, щом не съм достатъчно силна да се справя с тези усещания.Вина.
Тя започна да расте лавинообразно.
И хората около мен, ми я насаждаха непрестанно.
Както казах в такива моменти именно най-близките, първи възстават.
От страх, от криворазбрана загриженост, от собствени егоистични подбуди, да не им се наложи да гледат неуспеха или страданието-никой не харесва болните хора, особено когато, това продължи дълго,твърдя го…
Стегни се – ето думите, които и до ден днешен, ме вадят от обувките ми.
Как пък някой не ми каза – отпусни се, дишай.
Какво да си стегна?Кое да си стегна?Аз бях толкова стегната,че чак пред скъсване.
Ако една струна стои така,без да се отпуска, за да се смаже,колко време би издържала, преди да стане на парчета?!
Думите “стегни се”, ме караха да се чувствам, като най-голямата неудачница на света.
..
-Ти няма ли да се стегнеш, най-после?! До кога така ще я караме, а?Само спане и лежане. Гледай хората, работят, учат.
Сутрин станат, пък излязат.Това твоето.. По цяла нощ не спиш, през деня ще ми спиш и нищо друго.
Не съм вярвал/а,че така ще ме разочароваш.
Толкова се гордеех с теб, мислех,че от теб ще стане нещо,а то…
А то какво?Какво? Болката, която изпитвах,ме раздираше.
Защо, когато кипях от енергия и се къпех в смях, всичко бе наред?Когато изглеждах уверена и силна, всичко бе наред?
И сега, когато дори аз не можех да се позная, изведнъж се превърнах в разочарование?
И как изобщо, ще живея така, ами ако Никога не се оправя,ето при тази мисъл, аз буквално изстивах от ужас?!
Някакъв вътрешен глас в мен, все още се обаждаше, за да ми каже,че може би нямам вина,че нещо не е наред, но не защото причината е в мен,а защото не знам как да се справя и с какво всъщност се боря.
По дяволите, аз не знаех, как изобщо се нарича това “нещо”,можех само да опиша “онези” усещания, но забелязвах,че вече съм досадила на близките си и те отегчено ме смятаха за мързелива и неблагодарна.
Странно, как се променят хората, нали?
Една лъжа повторена 100 пъти става истина. Вярно е.
Така постепенно и аз започнах да вярвам,че вината е изцяло в мен.
Поради неявяване на лекции и изпити, трябваше да прекъсна.
Получих писмо.
Едва ли мога да опиша какво изпитах, когато го четях.
Плаках,от срам,от мъка,от страх.Да,аз се страхувах.
Това чувство,страхът, което до преди известно време ми беше напълно непознато,сега беше сковало целият ми живот.
Разправиите у нас,бяха взели превес.
Бягах при Него,там получавах глътка въздух и утеха.
Започнах да оставам там, все по-често,само и само да избягам от “родния дом”.
У нас през час, някой заставаше пред вратата на стаята, където бях и чувах:
-Ти няма ли да спиш?Колко е часа, знаеш ли?Утре пак ще ми лежиш цял ден…
И тирадата продължаваше, все в тоя дух до безкрай.
Аз “умирах” по няколко пъти на денонощие, през останалото време живеех в смъртен страх от новият пристъп.
Всичко се рушеше над главата ми,а непрекъснатите критики ме докарваха до истерия от безсилие.
Аз плачех и се молех да ме оставят на мира, за малко поне.
И без това бях толкова сама в ужаса и кошмарите си.Но не.
Мелачката продължаваше денонощно, аз бях излязла от хорските представи за мен самата и трябваше да бъда наказана за това.
А Той ме обичаше, без да иска нищо от мен, за тогава.
Там получавах малко тишина и нежност и бях доволна.
Аз обичах бях обичана, без условия, без назидателни речи.
Едно малко островче, сред отломките на моя живот.
Разбира се и това не ми бе простено.
-Ти дом нямаш ли си?Все там, все там, а тука, само когато имаш нужда от нас,нали?
Неееееееееееееееееее!!
Чак се задушавах в поредната схватка. Не е така, аз се страхувам.
От вас, от вечните ви критики, от вината, която витае, около мен.
Аз имам нужда от вас и искам да бъда тук, но вие ме убивате,не го ли виждате???Явно не.
Колкото листчето с моето стихче, преди години.
И в моето възпалено съзнание, започнаха да се чертаят планове за спасение, повика на моя инстинкт за самосъхранение.
Подадох документи в една програма на разменни начала.
За чужбина.Реших да се махна,далече.
Реших,че ако избягам и сменя обстановката, ще се оправя.
Ако махна спомените, ако променя живота си, може и да се оправя.
Не, аз неистово се молех да стане така и вярвах,че най-после съм намерила решението.
Понякога ми минаваха мисли, как ще се справя, но някак се бе пробудила малка част от мен,предишната мен и аз си казвах,че щом сменя обстановката,нещата сами ще се подредят и ще се справя.
Важното бе, да спечеля малко време и да разхлабя примката, около себе си.
Заживях в очакване,на големия ден.
Докато си уреждах документите, бе настанало относително затишие. Даже пак бях върнала позиции.
Ето, тя се оправя.Ще заминава, прави нещо, има планове.
Пак бях на гребена на вълната, но на нечии други амбиции.
Така и така бях прекъснала и не можех да го кажа.
Не можех да остана и тук, щеше да се разбере.
Нито бях в състояние да работя, аз едвам понасях хората около мен,а кризите идваха по всяко време, кой щеше да ме търпи?
Вината както казах,вече ме беше обсебила и спасителния пояс за мен тогава,беше този.
С един удар,колко много решения.
С Него се разбрахме.Той беше изненадан, но и въодушевен.
И дума не ставаше за раздяла,щяхме да заминем заедно,разбира се.
Той също подаде документи и нещата измамно се понаместиха.
..Хиляди пъти съм се питала, какво ли щеше да стане, ако бях заминала без да имам паническите си атаки, без да бягам и ако бях съвсем добре? Дали щеше да е различно?
До този момент не съм си отговорила и мисля, че не бих могла.
Убедих се само, че в живота случайни неща няма.
Има закономерност.
Ееех,да е имало някой да ми каже,че подобна стъпка дори на здрав човек,би могла да докара проблем.
Че една смяна на работа или дом, се явява стрес, който отключва подобни панически разстройства, понякога.
А какво остава за някой, който от тук тръгва с този товар на гърба си?И че цялата работа става “от трън, та на глог,че е по-висок”?
И то , както се оказа впоследствие, непосилно по-висок..
Но, нямаше..
Аз се готвех,учех езика до колкото можех и чаках виза за пътуване.
За да се хвърля в неизвестното..
Следва продължение..

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