5) Простено е, нали?

5) Простено е, нали?

…Нищо не ми липсваше на пръв поглед. Имах всичко.
Но аз не бях същата.
Дали го разбираха хората?
Не знам,съмнявам се.
Може би, само най-близките, а дори и те не знаеха.
В такива моменти, когато изпитваме панически атаки, се стараем никой нищо да не разбира.
Опитваме се,да се правим,че всичко е наред,че сме същите..
Е,имам една лоша новина за вас, мили мои, не сме..Личи ни..
Личи ни в очите, личи ни в движенията, прекалено внимателни и премерени.
В дишането.
В дивия ужас и страха да не останем сами и вечно да търсим някой, за който да се вкопчим.
Само и само, да не сме сами.
И не сме виновни или сме?Кой може да каже?Кой е прав?
Човека спасяващ себе си, независимо колко клетви е дал, да се обичаме или ние, всекидневно търпящи кошмара на паниката, за която знаем само ние, за усещането за което знаем само ние.
И никой, никой друг не би могъл да разбере нас.
Освен хора като нас.
Става, като затворено общество нали?Почти като секта.

До тези прозрения стигнах години по-късно, когато бях преминала през много неща.
До тогава смятах,че само трябва да кажа какво ми е и всичко ще се оправи.
Ще ме разберат, ще ми помогнат.Това е най-интересното.
Все си мислех,че някой друг ще ми помогне.
Дори не съм и подозирала,че това мога да направя само аз.
Насоки-да, подкрепа-да, съвети-да.
Но само аз, можех да спася себе си.
И до сега твърдя,че подкрепата и усещането,че има кой да те изслуша и да ти помогне със съвет най-малкото,е от огромно значение.
Чувството,че не си сам, макар само по себе си, да е чисто егоистично, е спасителен пояс за хора с паническо разстройство.
Такива хора в крайна сметка се оказват отхвърлени и обвинявани от най-близките си.
Предимно и първо.Невероятно, но факт.
Точно хората ,които най-много обичаме и на които, най-много вярваме, първи се “отказват” от нас.
Прозрение?! Не,факт. Изживян.
Беше минала почти година от първата ми паническа атака.
Какво се случи ли? Нека да минем на съкратен вариант.
Започнах все по-рядко да ходя на лекции, не, по-точно аз почти не ходех.
Доста се изолирах от познатите си, съкратих всякакви посещения по заведения и срещи с приятелки.
Той, моята любов?Мдаа..Там се държах така.
В началото, след погребението, когато не плачех, се опитвах да се държа “нормално”.
Да си говорим поне.Трудна работа беше.
Толкова се концентрирах в това да се държа “нормално”,че сигурно съм постигала точно обратен ефект.
Интересното е,че той ми вярваше.
Театърът е загубил една голяма звезда…
Казвам го с тъжна усмивка, сигурна съм, че на много от нас, се е случвало да играят ролята на “ние сме добре” или “ние сме супер”.
А как само умеем да гледаме човек в очите, докато ни облива студена или топла пот??
И усещаме как ни завладява тревожността, омекваме и изчезваме.
Но пак сме там.Аз поне бях така.
Хроничната умора и безсънието, бяха мои верни спътници.
Аз нямах представа, какво точно става с мен.
Не, аз изобщо идея нямах, какво по дяволите ми става.
Как е възможно ей така, сред много хора или от предстояща среща с непознати хора или в автобуса, да омекна и стана на желе.
Автобуса.Искам да отделя специално внимание тук.
След първата атака на улицата и в тъмното,а з успях да се кача автобуса,където сред хората се почувствах още по-зле.
Разбира се в моето съзнание се зароди мисълта,че това е само там, навън,че само в автобуса и само сред хора, на мен ми става така.
Забележително се повтаряше думата “само”, по няколко пъти.
Само там, само навън, само не знам си какво..
Успях да забележа,че “нещата” и “усещанията”, се засилваха в тези моменти.
И разбира се, започнах да ги избягвам.
Нормална ракция, но не и за мен тогава.
Защо да не мога да се кача там?Защо да не вляза тук?
И защо ме дразнят тези хора, всички хора?!
Особено много ме изненада,отвращението ми, към хората.
Аз, която бях душата на компанията.Странно.
Не…Ужасяващо!
Усещането,че хората ме дразнят,че се намирам на светлинни години от тях,че ми иде да крещя или да плача и да се търкалям ей така,по средата на.. на което и където и да е, ме вадеше от равновесие и ме обземаше див и неистов ужас.
Вече нямаше значение къде съм, тези “усещания” идваха неканени и ме караха да бягам навън,от страх да не се изложа.
И как не,та аз имах усещанията и мислите,че ей сега ще почна да викам или да се треса или треперя или…
Дори да скоча и нараня някой.
Виждах как го убивам и ръгам с нож  или ножица, как се задушавам…
Аз усещах, че мога и трябва да го направя и бягах.
Бягах на място, където ще съм сама, където никой няма да ме види.
Това беше много важно – никой  да не разбере, да не узнае какво става с мен.
Срам? Страх? Вина? Всичко се преплиташе и аз все още не намирах обяснение, какво става с мен.
Все повече се затварях, все повече изпитвах вина и срам,че съм такава, а дори не знаех каква.
На фона на сегашното разнообразие от информация, може би е странно и смешно,но тогава аз нямах такава..
И Господ ми е свидетел, нямах идея какво става с мен.
…Започнах да чувам, първо разбира се от най-близките си,че съм станала малко мързелива,о т приятелите-несериозна.
От Него не-още беше с розовите очила, относно мен.
Ден мой.
Сутрин.
Радио.Музика.
Потропване и почукване, скърцане.Водата в банята.
Баща ми кашля,е няма спиране тая кашлица,аман.
Обръщам се и се завивам, свивам се на кълбо.
Толкова съм уморена, очите ми са подути и червени, пак не съм спала цяла нощ.
Разбира се съм виновна, щом не мога. Мисля си, какво ми е, за пореден път!
-Ще става ли?
-Не знам,пак цяла нощ свети лампата. Да я будя ли?
-Да става най-после, то не може така. Само спи тука, по цял ден. Отивай да я будиш!
-8 часа е,ще ставаш ли,най-сетне?-леле, как мразя тези думи.
Чувам ги за стотен път.
Чула съм ги още преди да влезе майка ми в стаята..
Те само това говорят.
И се плаша от момента в който ще ми ги викне тук.
Не знам защо, всички държат да се правят на много бодри сутрин и да викат.
Никога не съм била от ранобудните, но сега ми коства буквално усилие да вдигна глава.Не, да я завъртя дори.
-Няма да ставам сега.По-късно- проломотвам аз, с възможно най-убедителният тон.
-Пак ли? За теб лекции няма ли?А з не знам, как смяташ да ги вземеш тия изпити.То не може само така-назидателно ми диктува майка ми.
Само как?Как майко?-крещи нещо в главата ми, но чувството на вина надделява у мен и аз се свивам отново, под завивките, ужасена,че все по-често чувам тези думи.
А  не мога да изрека нищо срещу тях.Болка, срам и вина.
Познато ли ви е?
Сещам се за едно стихотворение, мое си..
Което написах на майка ми, преди години в пубертета.
Мразя я тая дума, “пубертет”. Аман от класификации.
Та,тогава се скарахме. И ме заболя, много.
Опитвах да го приема за нормално, не, по-точно не го приемах за нормално.Нищо нормално нямаше,в отношенията ни тогава.
Винаги аз бях виновната, а тя правата.
Беше ми писнало,болеше.Тогава, написах това.
Чувам репликите на много майки. За всички вас, мили майки..
Вече и аз съм майка. И дано, никой не ми пъхне под вратата това.
Аз го написах и  го сложих под вратата на моята майка с надежда да го прочете…И да го разбере.
Тя го прочете. Коментара?:
-Иии,какво си мислиш,че ще постигнеш с това?-това, беше моето писмо, от цялото ми сърце и душа,тогава.
Мислех,че тя ще ме разбере,ще станем приятелки.Ще си говорим.
По-друг начин.Затова го написах..
Искам да кажа само,че понякога…нещата започват много преди…
Търсим причината в хората до нас,около нас.Не.Не винаги.
Повечето пъти, цялата ни несигурност, плахост, мъка и липса на разбиране и любов почва от там.
От семейството, от липсата на комуникация, на разбиране,на приемане, на време..Тъпо?Прекалено класическо??Може би…
Но вярно…
Ето, това пъхнах под вратата преди 18 години.
Пазя си листчето, на което съм го написала и което, майка ми, ми тикна обратно в ръцете,след прочита му с коментара:
-Не мога да разбера, какво очакваш??Какво искаш?
..
Какво ли, майко?Само една усмивка, поне…Много ли ти беше?
Стихчето:
Ти виждала си ли дърво без корен, дърво без клони и листа?
Не си, макар че се превърна, на ствол безплоден, моята душа.
Листенце, клонче, цвят покарал, безжалостно отсичаш ти,
и много често ме ругаеш,с думи груби, думи зли.
Ти мислиш,че съм много лоша,
неблагодарна дъщеря.
Че глупава съм и невежа
и че във всичко аз греша.
Ти искаш аз да съм послушна
да бъда тиха, кат вода.
Безпрекословно да те слушам.
Това за теб е доброта.
Ти мислиш,че това е всичко,
че искаш мъничко от мен,
А аз по-често, ще се питам,
живее ли се ден за ден?
Сега аз искам да живея,
да пия с чашата на младостта
да гоня вятъра и да лудея,
да изживея любовта.
Сега очите са красиви
без бръчки кожата блести,
косите в блясъци облени,
излъчват меки светлини.
Да поговорим, няма смисъл,
ти знаеш всичко, няма как.
За мен остава да приемам.
И да пристъпвам пак, от крак на крак.
Сега стоим с теб разярени,
очи изпиват се с очи..
Да те убия с поглед, нямам смелост,
убиваш ме с думи ти.
След малко всичко ще премине,
ще се усмихнеш, може би.
Ще ме поучиш и ще кажеш:
“Аз майка съм, простено е, нали?
Вината винаги в мене търсиш.
Невинна винаги си само ти.
Виновен има ли?
Въпросът е безкрайно глупав.
Вината винагим до мен стои.
Е,виждала ли си дърво без корен,
дърво без клони и листа?
Не си разбира се,щом можеш да направиш,
изсъхнал клон, от свойта дъщеря.
..Вината ме разяждаше,болката не спираше, атаките също.
Не можех да си позволя да разочаровам повече хората, около мен.
Аз?Аз бях без значение,та нали именно Аз, бях причина за следствието?
Трябваше да спася другите и мнението им за мен, не мен..Мен не!.
И реших да замина..
Следва продължение..

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